(Exhibit A: Look how sweet I am with my babes at the pumpkin patch, haha)
…but some days, like today, I really question if motherhood is meant for me. I’m totally aware of the fact that parenthood is NOT for everyone. That some people, though they may love their children, might regret having them. Am I one of those people?!
I’ve been a horrible mother all morning. I had no patience when trying to teach Max how to count. I yelled at him because he couldn’t count to three. He can count to 20 for crying out loud, but when it comes to “meaningful” counting…he still doesn’t understand. This is not his fault and by yelling at him and making a huge deal of it, I’m afraid that I’ve made him hate counting. When he wouldn’t clean up his toys, I yelled again, and threw some of his toys across the room. I refused to make him warm milk when he asked because I was still butt hurt from him not helping me clean up.
All while Rio is innocently playing and listening to me be a monster mom. I want my kids raised in a calm and loving household…but why am I the one that always stirs up the angry emotions??? I’m overwhelmed some days to say the least…and I always openly admit to being overwhelmed. But I’ve never said this before….that some days I hate being a mom. I love my babies, but some days…are just BAD days and I hate having to “mother”. Yes, when I feel this way, usually I just suck it up, give them all the hugs and kisses they deserve, and be the good mom they need. However, on days like today, when the hormones are just raging…I let it take over me and become a horrible mother that NO ONE deserves. If I ever saw anyone treat my kids the way I’ve treated them today, I would probably throw a fit or beat someone down.
I’m surprised that even after I’ve said and done mean things (not physically) that my family still loves me. That Max will still say, “Hug me, mama”. Motherhood isn’t the same for everyone. For me in particular, it’s been tough. People say that I’m a great mother, but I would never yell at my kids the way I did today if others were around. I know I am a great mother most of the time so I hope it all just balances out and I haven’t traumatized the kids for life. :( I’m just so envious sometimes when I hear the super mom statuses on Facebook like, “Today I brought my 5 kids to the park and we built a giant sandcastle, then went home cleaned the whole house and worked out during their nap time, and then tonight is movie night! So glad I made an extra lasagna yesterday so I don’t have to cook tonight!” I love these kind of moms and usually they inspire me, but on my worst days…it just makes me feel mediocre.
Just being honest.
But honestly speaking, I know that I can be better, and I know that I have been that super mom on occasion. It is not possible, for me at least, to be super mom everyday. I just need to focus on being my best and keeping calm. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
I love my little guys and before I know it, I will be crying because they won’t need me as much.
He’s about 9.5 months. He’s been zooming around the house like a pro for a couple of months now. He can climb the stairs but he doesn’t know how to go down them yet (the feet first on the tummy way). He’s not “cruising” much but he likes to stand up and hang on to furniture and just hang out there. He can say mama and Dada and he loves to copy sounds. He dances EVERY TIME he hears music. He thinks his big bro is the funniest person on Earth. He’s not a big eater but he’s eating pretty well. I’m “still” breastfeeding him and will continue to, hopefully, until he is 2. He doesn’t seem to love books as much as Max did at this age, but maybe it’s because I don’t sit down and read to him enough. He loves his brother’s big boy toys and would much rather play with ANYTHING but his baby toys. He knows how to give big wet sloppy kisses and can kind of give high 5’s. He’s a tough little guy. He’s already learning how to stand up to his Kuya Max when he picks on him. He has such a loud deep voice. We joke that it’s already deeper than Max’s voice now. He loves to grab at my face with his dagger hands, LOL. His favorite toys are balls and anything that moves around or makes sounds. He has grown so much in just the blink of an eye. He’s the my little love bug and the cutest thing ever. My favorite thing about him right now, is that he sings along with me whenever I sing to him. It’s the sweetest sound ever. I wish that I would have blogged more about his growth, but if I did, I wouldn’t have had enough time to sit and cuddle with him.
He’ll be 3 years old next month. He is a handful. I think God is testing my patience with this one. He is still my sunshine and my sweetie patootie pie. He’s a bossy little fella. He also thinks he’s grown up. Anytime we leave the house he’ll say, “You got your keys, mama? How about your phone?” He likes to know exactly where we are going, who we are going with, and if it’s “right or left”. “Is Nanay’s house right or left?” He remembers everything so don’t ever make a promise to him that you can’t keep. You won’t hear the end of it. He loves music and always has specific songs he wants to listen to. In the car right now he asks for, “Pearly shells”, “back to back”, or Kid songs. His favorite toys are his Monster’s Inc and Monster’s University figurines, dinos, legos, puzzles, and toy story toys. His favorite thing to do is make forts, tents, and hiding places for himself and his toys. He tries to hide Rio too. His favorite shows are Handy Manny and Doc Mcstuffins but you enjoy anything on Disney Jr. He needs a snack EVERY hour. Favorite things to do is play the freeze game, hexing game, help with cooking and cleaning, blowing bubbles, and going to playgrounds…especially the slides! Loves to play with his friends and his family and is always looking for people to hang out with. So holla if you’re bored! He is fully potty trained but still needs to sit down to pee and requires help. He has never wet the bed at night!
He speaks very well (but not too clearly) and can speak in paragraphs and tell stories. Speaking of stories, I have to make up new stories for him every night before bed. “Tell me a Dino story mama!” Or a woody/monster/nemo story, etc. He’s afraid of closed doors and being left in the car. Note: We have never locked him alone ANYWHERE!
Rio and Max are absolutely adorable together. They play definitely more than they fight. Max has never been jealous of Rio and loves to see Rio laughing and happy. However Max TRIPS OUT if Rio tries to take a toy he’s playing with or if Rio is after his food. Max is still learning how to share…but overall he’s an amazing big brother.
Daddy is home more now because he demoted himself to a barista temporarily…so that means we are broke…but happy. We need to find a balance still. Isn’t that the goal in life for everyone though?
I started typing this when the kids were napping. They are all awake now (including Dada) and I feel better and not so horrible already. Max and I read his baby book and I ain’t mad anymore. I think I just needed that hour for myself. #sorrybabies